I found the idea for this on Olive These Words, where he did it with Disney Princesses. And I used to play this sort of game with my friends, too, where we all voted for who would win. But…no one ever voted for the people I wanted them to vote for (isn’t it annoying how politics work like that?), so now I’m doing it all by myself!
It was difficult to decide who to pick for this battle, because the idea of any of these characters fighting each other absolutely breaks my heart, buuuut, I finally decided to pick some of the mortal men. Because really, in a fight to the death, the outcome with a Wizard or an Elf involved is pretty predictable.
And the nominees are: Aragorn, Faramir, Boromir, Eomer, Theoden, Beren, Turin, and Bard. No villains, because I don’t like working with villains.
Aragorn v. Faramir: Well, we never see Aragorn actually lead an army, besides the undead one, of course. But based on all the leadership skills he showed with the Fellowship, as well as the fact that he was an incredible king, I think his proficiency in that area matches any son of Denethor. And as for Faramir, though his father had issues with the way he was protecting Gondor, everyone else thought he was great. But he did lose Osgiliath to the Orcs, and received an arrow wound that put him out of action until the Ring was destroyed. I know it could happen to anyone, but, well, it didn’t happen to Aragorn!
Point: King of Gondor.
Boromir v. Eomer: Eomer seems to be an invaluable Rider of Rohan as far as his fighting skills go, and he isn’t the one who died! Not to mention he is loyal even when his King didn’t want him to be, and he is very courteous and can tell whether a person is a friend or foe quicker than most. But, I get the impression that Faramir is more the brains of the sons of Denthor, and Boromir is the brawn. So when I think Boromir I think of this big, muscular guy, who of course can think clearly, but usually uses his strength to get out of unpleasant circumstances. In a battle of swordsmanship, I think he would win.
Theoden v. Beren: Okay, this one is kind of a no-brainer because Theoden is an old man and Beren literally made it to Hell and back. But let’s still look at it for argument’s sake. Theoden must have been a great warrior in his youth, which we don’t really hear much of. But he’s such a great one in his old age! And his people are proud, and love him even when he is under Saruman’s thrall, and his final two battles are both ones he should have lost, and though he died in the second one, his people won. Beren on the other hand did not lead any kind of army, had to have Luthien and a talking dog and magic help him, and got his hand bitten off. So maybe this is not so much of a no-brainer. But no, I still think in a fight between an old king and a man who would do anything to be with his love, the old king wouldn’t survive.
Turin v. Bard: So this one is really hard, because my biased self wants Bard to win. After all, he killed a DRAGON. With a special arrow and some help from a bird. But I get the impression that when Turin gets angry, he just goes on auto-pilot, and his enemies don’t stand a chance. Basically, he’s a killing machine when properly motivated. And Bard is called a Bowman, so in a sword fight he probably wouldn’t do stupendously, even though everyone in Middle-earth seems to know how to use a sword, even the women. But, again, I think the brawn, Turin in this case, would be the victor. Because Black Arrows can’t solve every problem, sadly.
Winner is: Turin.
Aragorn v. Borormir: WOW that was painful to write. If I ever do another one of these I should remember not to use characters who’s deaths I still cry during after seeing them 10 times. But I digress. Boromir’s commendable strength against Aragorn’s suburb fighting strategies? I don’t know, I think wits would outweigh brawn in this case. Aragorn has Numenorian blood, an Elvish upbringing, and a legendary sword going for him, too. Boromir, on the other hand, though better at holding a city than his brother, was shot by a Uruk-hai while nowhere near a battle.
Point goes to Aragorn.
Beren v. Turin: Both can be called reckless, but I think Beren’s reckless actions are done with a cooler head than Turin’s. I feel so sorry for Turin and his miserable life, but I can’t help facepalming when he does something he wouldn’t have done if just for an instant he’d thought about the consequences. (R.I.P., Beleg) My point is, Beren would be looking more for his opponent’s weak spot, and Turin would just start hammering away with no idea who he was even fighting. We don’t really know a lot about Beren’s fighting skills, but I know he did more incredible things than Turin.
Winner of this round: Beren.
And finally, Aragorn v. Beren. Well, I haven’t had great things to say about Beren’s fighting skills, and I really don’t know how he beat down two incredible fighters, but hey, I don’t make this stuff up! (I do. I very much made all these opinions up.) I guess Beren is still here because he’s kind of a Middle-earth hero. If they had schools there, his picture would be up where our schools put a picture of George Washington. He went to Hell, stole a Silmaril from under the devil (Morgoth)’s nose, got the hand holding the Silmaril bitten off, and yet still brought it home. Then he died and came back to life! That’s a lot for Aragorn to live up to, and I think he really does look up to Beren. So I wanted to have a plot twist here and say Aragorn simply wouldn’t fight his role model and so Beren would win by default, but then I remembered that none of these people would actually fight each other. So, because Beren has to rely on his sword only and not the magic of his wife or the wisdom of his dog, I think Aragorn would win.
Well, I tried not to let him win, because I always thought he would, but that’s what happens when you’re the best. Who do you think should have won?
Thank you for the inspiration, Olive These Words!