The Trouble with Tauriels

Tauriel. You all know her. Or if you don’t then I’m envious of you, and sorry for informing you of her. This is the horrid girl Elf that invaded the Hobbit movies, and made them more horrible than they already were. There will be no pictures, because I don’t really feel like gouging my eyes out at the sight of her again.

Why is it that with the Stars Wars fanbase, everyone is on the same page? Seriously, I’ve never heard anyone say a good thing about Jar Jar, or Episode II Anakin, or about the prequels in general. But everyone loves Luke, the originals, and The Force Awakens.

I will likely be stating my views on this in another post.

And yet with the Hobbit movie fanbase, there is an evenly divided line between hating Tauriel and loving her. I am here to state that if you have any kind of good feelings for this demon of a insane man’s creation, then you are not truly a Tolkien fan. Starting with the fact that Evangeline Lilly has claimed to be a fan since she was 13. (*cough* I was 11) Oh, please. She’s as much a fan of Tolkien as Joe Biden is a Catholic.

I once started an abusive “fan” mail letter to Peter Jackson, but after six pages I wasn’t done firing off at him, so I gave it up. So I am now going to limit myself to 10 reasons as to why Tauriel is the worst, and does not belong in the Tolkien universe. But there are infinitely more.

  1. Um, Tolkien never created her! That should be the most obvious thing. He did create a Captain of the Guard in The Hobbit, which is what she was supposed to be, but in the book it was a male Elf. Who got drunk on the Mirkwood wine. I didn’t see Tauriel getting drunk. Well, not from wine, anyway. So if you were going to switch the genders of a character Jackson, you should have at least made the character do the same things! And I know that Alfrid, Sigrid, and Tilda were not in the book either, but they were believable, minor characters. I probably would have been more angry at their inclusion if I hadn’t had someone ELSE to fume at.
  2. She had a romance with a Dwarf. I don’t know if you read the book PJ, but Elves and Dwarves don’t get along. Especially in the Hobbit, when Thranduil captured and imprisoned the Dwarves so that they later declared war on him. The whole point was that in LOTR, it was amazing that Galadriel was kind to Gimli, and he began to worship her. And then subsequently the Fellowship marveled at the fact that he and Legolas became best friends after having previously bickered. Where’s the wonder in that, if there was already a full-blown romance between these two races in the Hobbit? Because even if Dwarves and Elves could occasionally learn to get along, there is no way they could have romances. That’s like mating a horse and a dog, or having a romance between and angel and a mortal. It’s too wrong.
  3. She had another romance. With Legolas. As if Peter Jackson wasn’t in deep water with me anyway. Legolas never had a romance. He just wasn’t the type. (Kili didn’t either, but he’s not my favorite character!) And Jackson specifically promised these two wouldn’t have a romance, and I was sincerely counting on that. What kind of fickle cheat is this woman? Romance is not often big in the world of Middle-earth, but when it is, the subjects pick one person to love, and one person only. Never are there any love triangles. Never does anybody encourage one lover, and then a different one, depending on which way the winds are blowing. Because what kind of sick world would that be? Ooh, I know, the one we live in. Way to modernize the beautiful classic that is The Hobbit, Jackson!
  4. She has red hair. News flash o ye director who clearly didn’t research this: there were only ever five ginger Elves, all closely related, and all dead. They were Noldorin Elves, which live nowhere near Mirkwood. I have a theory that Tauriel is in fact a Dwarf. I mean, Dwarves wouldn’t know that an Elf couldn’t have red hair! And she’s more attracted to them than to Legolas or the other Elves, clearly, and Kili is equally attracted to her. And she’s willful and disobedient, and because the orcs supposedly killed her parents she thirsts for their blood in a very Dwarvish fashion.
  5. She’s willful and disobedient. Thranduil literally raised her as his daughter, and how does she thank him? By running off to help the enemy after he specifically told her not to. And she drags Legolas into doing the same. By saying one of the most ironic lines Peter Jackson wrote: “Are we not part of this world?”  Well, you’re sure not! That’s the only time she’s onscreen that I can laugh. Because I always wonder if Peter Jackson really thought that through, and if he knew he was being ironic. Anyway, that’s the main time she’s willful and disobedient. But not the only time. Every single time someone tells her to do something, she does what she wants.
  6. She seeks revenge in a bloodthirsty fashion. I know in The Silmarillion there were some Elves with issues, but generally the only ones with the “I will not rest until I kill my enemies” mindset were Dark Elves. So Tauriel is either a Dark Elf, or a Dwarf, (or an orc!), except wait, she doesn’t actually exist in this universe! Anyway, because orcs killed her parents, Tauriel throws herself into ensuring their ultimate destruction, purely for revenge. Now orcs should be killed, but how about because they are evil and mercilessly slaughtering anything and anyone in their path? Revenge isn’t flattering enough for Elves.
  7. She doesn’t dress in the Middle-earth fashion. Even the men usually had robes or cloaks that hid a good portion of their body. But not only does she forego the DRESS code, she doesn’t even modestly hide those awfully exposed legs. Women in Middle-earth simply did not wear pants. But Elves don’t even wear the variation of pants. Eowyn cross-dressed when she pretended to be a Rider of Rohan, and probably the Hobbits had leggings of some kind, to wear under their skirts. But even the male Elves only wore pants if they were out and about. Do you think the women would have ever…?!
  8. She’s a warrior. Maybe if she wasn’t she wouldn’t feel the need to wear pants. That word literally suggests “male.” And I hear the feminists and “equal rights” folks screaming at me now. I’m a female too, people. And I’m not saying women aren’t capable of being warriors. I’m saying that men were created for that role, so their bodies are better at it. But regardless of that, the women of Middle-earth were not warriors. Eowyn was a “shield-maiden,” and that’s as close as she got. When Eowyn disobeyed her uncle and went to war, she payed for it, even though she was undoubtedly better than some of the men. But Tauriel’s entire job is to fight, and no female was ever given that position. To defend, yes. I love that Eowyn knows how to defend herself, and that’s why I swallowed the whole Arwen rescuing Frodo in the Fellowship movie. But that should only be if all the guys are dead or incapable…
  9. She’s pretty desperate. Just because your guardian who happens to be a king forbids you to marry his son, you don’t go fall in love with an entirely different species that “your people” have hated forever! It never would have worked, Tauriel. Before the movie came out, I always thought I’d be sad when Kili died. But when it came, she was so unbearable I was just glad it was all over. And what made me so mad I started sweating profusely (no exaggeration!) in the movie theater was when Bofur brought the kingsfoil that Oin had asked for and Tauriel grabbed it and said she was going to save him. Okay, they were fine without you, kid. Oin knew just what he needed, because he was the physician in the company, and Bofur knew just where to find it. Kili would have lived anyway, but Tauriel just had to butt in and get the lover points.
  10. She’s a lead in a movie called “The Hobbit.” I could blame everybody except Bilbo, Gandalf, and Thorin for this, but I won’t because every other lead actually was a creation of Tolkien first. I do honestly think the reason the third movie changed from “There and Back Again” to “The Battle of the Five Armies” was because of all those other unnecessary leads. And unnecessary plot lines. Which wouldn’t have happened if she weren’t there, because Legolas would have stayed in Mirkwood like the good son he actually is, and there wouldn’t have been a stupid stupid love triangle. If PJ had left her out and actually stuck to the story, maybe the movies would actually have been about…I don’t know…THE HOBBIT!

So. To recap. She’s annoying, not in the spirit of Middle-earth, and a lead when she shouldn’t have even been in existence. And does she suffer for it? NO! She lives, miraculously with no serious injuries (even though in the book it said no one escaped without one) and her banishment is revoked. Yes, Kili dies, but as the YouTube channel How It Should Have Ended so beautifully puts it “That wasn’t love. You barely knew him for like two days. Did you even know his last name?”

And this will not be in the LOTR section, because it isn’t LOTR. If I had a Hobbit section it probably wouldn’t be there either. No, this will be in the Corner of Randomness will all the other homeless ideas. The only reason this post came into being at all was because I feel more passionately about this than a whole lot of other things, so I had to do it. It took a lot more out of me than you.

I would apologize for the harshness, but in this case, I’m not sorry.

Any comments will be moderated.

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